Adoption equals loss…
So, I know the blog has been quiet for some time now. Our family has had a lot going on. We’ve suffered quite a few losses in the last few months. I apologize now for the heaviness of this post. My father-in-law, our “Zadie”, Bruce passed away just shy of three months ago. He was only 67 years old and was taken from us way too soon. He had been misdiagnosed for over a year and as it turns out, he had ALS. Bruce and his wife Karen were scheduled to come to NC to celebrate Eli and Gabe’s adoption, just two weeks after he suddenly passed. What should have been such an exciting memorable time turned to heartache and sadness overnight. Our hearts were broken and we miss him everyday. Our children should not have had to say goodbye to their grandpa so soon. My husband should not have had to say goodbye to his father so soon.
Our family was rushing to Florida in hopes of being able to make it there before Zadie earned his angel wings. Unfortunately, we didn’t make it. When we received the call, we had to pull over in order to be safe. Our children were sound asleep, but were woken when the car came to a complete stop. When my husband and I had to break the news to our kiddos, and heard their sobs, it hit us like a ton of bricks. My husband said to me through his own tears, “all they have experienced is loss.” We knew our children were going to be sad. But with their young age, and never experiencing a family members passing, we weren’t positive that they would fully grasp what all of this meant. It was chillingly clear, standing in that fast food parking lot, that they all understood.
Following Zadie’s passing, we unexpectedly lost our beloved dog, Barkley. He was perfectly healthy one morning and when we arrived home later that afternoon, he had peacefully passed. We have no idea what caused his sudden departure. Our vet feels it was either a massive heart attack or ruptured tumor that we didn’t even know he had. Less than a month later, we lost our Grandma Mimi. My husbands grandmother. She was an incredible woman, a wonderful wife, mother, grandmother and great grandmother. Needless to say, this has been a lot to cope with in such a short amount of time. We have never taken life for granted, but these past few months have been a sobering reminder that life is way to short.
All of this loss has reminded me of all the loss our children have experienced in their lives. When children have experienced as much loss as our children have, they fully comprehend what it means to lose someone they love.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I feel adoption is a miracle. Adoption made me a mom. Anyone on the outside looking in can see that adoption is an incredible blessing. Many times we hear, “they are so lucky to have you.” In reality, we are so lucky to have them. I know that for most who have not been adopted or have not adopted it’s hard to see the loss that comes with adoption. As lucky as we are to have our amazing children, I don’t see them as being lucky. Most adults can not fathom the amount of loss our children have had to endure in their short little lives.
They are ripped from the only family they have ever known. They are forced to leave their home, their school, their clothes, their stuffed animals, their pets, everything that most people find comfort in, they are torn from. They are expected to be grateful, because many times people feel they were moved from a less than favorable situation to a a nicer, safer home and family. In reality, no matter how hard their lives were before they were removed from their birth family, that was all they knew. They love their birth families.
Not only do the children experience loss but their birth families experience an incredible amount of loss. No matter what led to the child coming into care, in most cases the birth parents love their children with every ounce of their being. Although their love may not be enough to care for or raise their children, it doesn’t discount the fact that they loved them enough to bring them into this world. Not to mention the extended family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins… they all pay an extremely large price.
Adoption is not easy. It is not this perfectly formulated idea that always goes as planned. As much as adoption does not define my children, there are constant reminders every day. We have made adoption and fostering the “norm” in our house. We openly talk about how our children joined our family. They have each seen us care for other children who have needed a safe place to stay. Even though foster care and adoption are the norm around here, when we leave the safe walls of our own home, foster care and adoption are not the norm everywhere else. I’m sure most of you as teachers or parents have never thought twice about the “family tree” projects you sent home with your students or the ones your children have had to work on. Let me tell you, our family tree doesn’t look like most. Those simple projects turn into hours and hours of questions and conversations. Reminding our children of all the losses they have had. Or what about the unintentional prying question from the cashier of “where did the blonde hair come from?” Thankfully, my children are all very proud of being adopted. They know that it is nothing to be ashamed of.
Just like we are helping our children grieve the loss of their Grandfather, Great Grandma and beloved Dog, we have also helped them and continue to help them grieve the losses associated with their adoptions. It is really easy to focus on all of the gains involved with Adoption, but it just as important that we do not neglect the losses.
