Be Supportive

So you’re having a baby? Congratulations! That’s so exciting! Onesies and presents galore. Of course there will be a baby shower to celebrate and welcome this precious gift. Maybe even multiple showers… you know, one at work, and one with your closest girlfriends and family. Then when the baby arrives, a meal train will begin. You will have so much food you won’t know what to do with it all. Not to mention the family and friends that will come visit and offer their helping hands. Having a baby is, and should be a very exciting time. You should be showered with love, excitement and presents. This is not meant totake away from any of that. This is simply to help educate and raise awareness for the lack of support foster families tend to receive.

The lack of support starts prior to people even deciding to become foster parents. Jeremy and I both have incredibly supportive families, yet I still remember the feeling of hesitation and anxiety we had, when it came time to tell our parents and siblings that we were thinking about becoming foster parents. What would they think? We weren’t even sure ourselves that this was a good idea. Looking back, we had all the normal feelings that most others have. We worried about getting attached and having to give the children back. We worried our families would fall in love and have to experience the same heartbreak we anticipated. We worried about birth parents. We have all heard those crazy stories on the news. We worried about whether or not we would know how to parent at all. Would we be enough for these precious children? Thankfully, our families were very supportive. We had a few distant relatives and some friends that made comments like “why don’t you just have your own?” Or “why would you want to do that?” When faced with those remarks, we immediately felt like we needed to defend our decision to become foster parents. Our response ended up being “Why not?” This was an exciting adventure we were getting ready to embark on and we had to defend our choices to others.

Part of the licensing process with our agency, required us to have the “nursery” or the room set up where we planned to have our foster children sleep prior to the completion of our home study. Nobody offered to throw us a baby shower (Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have let them anyway. I will never forget what a weird feeling it was to be expecting a little one, but to not actually be pregnant). So we shopped bargains and clearance items since we had to buy the crib, the toddler bed (because you don’t know what age child is going to be placed with you) the stroller, car seats (for multiple ages), clothes (size preemie to 6/7) diapers (sizes nb-6), bouncy seat, high chair, swing, bottles, and everything else needed for a child in the age range of 0-5. It was a huge financial undertaking. 

Then the babies (yup, surprise! Not just one, but two) showed up with less than 24 hours notice. My mom lived close by and came over to help us put car seats in the car, wash crib sheets and get the house ready. We are so thankful for that. The next day two baby girls showed up (ages 5 months and 19 months old). Once again, my mom came over excited to meet them and helped us with our first night as being brand new parents. No friends, no other family. Once again, I can’t blame them, the girls were only suppose to be here for the weekend, but in typical foster care fashion they stayed forever.  Anyways, there was not a single meal ever cooked for us, and certainly not a meal train. We had made friends with some fellow foster parents in our MAPP training, so of course they shared in our excitement. Other than that, I think our closest family and friends guarded their hearts… and we’re just holding their breaths knowing that we fell head over heels for these babies and they were worried about all the “what if’s” for us. I remember feeling so disappointed, that we didn’t have the phone calls, visits or support that we had hoped for. This had already been such a lonely journey. This was a HUGE life event. We became parents over night. I felt as though others envisioned this as Jeremy and I just babysitting.

The two girls that were placed with us had experienced more trauma and loss in their short little lives than we could ever imagine. Our youngest, couldn’t drink more than 1oz of formula at a time and woke up every hour on the hour at night. The 19 month old had tantrums like we had never experienced before. She had a hard time sleeping, would scream “Noooooo!” at anything and everything. She was speech delayed and had a really hard time communicating. We were tired… really tired. We were overwhelmed. No friend ever brought me coffee, and besides my mom, nobody was here to help us adjust to our new normal. 

I know that there are lots of birth families that don’t get any support either when a new baby arrives and they deserve support just as much as foster families. I hope that this blog will just help people think twice. If you come across, a family member or friend that has decided to open their heart and home to a foster child… when they tell you, be supportive! When they are preparing for their first placement, help them prepare. See a cute outfit? Pick it up. Throw them a foster shower. Encourage them to register for needed items. Buy them a Gift card. When their first placement comes, make them a meal. Drop a cup of their favorite coffee to them. Text them, see if they need anything. Offer to make a trip to the grocery store. These children deserve to have new clothes, not just hand me downs. They deserve to be showered with gifts, just like a newborn. They have had to leave everything they have ever know behind to come live with strangers. 

These little gestures that people don’t think twice about doing for birth families would mean so much for a foster family. Just because we didn’t give birth, there is still a huge adjustment period. This doesn’t just go for their first placement either. Just like any other family, EVERY SINGLE TIME there is a new child, be supportive. Jedd Medefind stated that “Nearly half of foster parents quit within one year of their first placement. It is a reminder that not one family should have to walk the road of foster care alone” Please do not make any of your family members or friends walk this road alone.