Foster Parents… Take care of yourself and your marriage.
I am going to preface this post with saying, don’t worry, Jeremy and I are wonderful. I love that man more with every single day that passes. He is not perfect, I am far from perfect, but together, we make a pretty awesome team. We balance each other out. We lean on each other and support each other. When I say that he is my pillar, I mean it with every ounce of my being. Don’t get me wrong, this does not mean that Jeremy and I don’t argue. This doesn’t mean that we never disagree. There are days that marriage is hard, days that life is hard, but there is NOBODY I would rather do life with than him.
Most marriages have their up’s and downs. Add in foster care and adoption, and there are peaks and valleys. Children in general add stress, financial burdens, parenting style disagreements etc. Foster care and adoption come with their very own stressors, fears, demands and concerns. Anytime, there is a new addition to a family, there is a transition period. Most families have 9 months to prepare. Typically, with foster care, you get anywhere from “We are on our way” to “We can be there in about an hour”. Then these children (yes, many times more than one) arrive at your home in a moments notice. There’s no time to rearrange work schedules, business trips, birthday parties or other obligations. These children also come with, additional monthly home visits, court hearings, visits with biological parents, therapy sessions, case review meetings, doctor visits and sometimes an additional school to pick up and drop-off at. Both of you have to be fully on board to take on these additional responsibilities or it is never going to work. These are all things, we discuss prior to accepting a new placement. When the call comes for a new placement, it is hard to not let the excitement get the best of you. You as a couple have to be prepared to dive in, head first, together.
The number one thing people say to us when they find out we foster is “I could never do that. You must be a saint” or “I could never do that, I would get too attached.” NO, WE ARE NOT SAINTS. We make mistakes, we say the wrong things, we have lazy moments where we don’t follow through. We forget to praise, we raise our voice. NOPE, NOT SAINTS. Neither one of us will ever claim to be.
YES! WE DO GET ATTACHED! That is kind of the point. How can we not get attached? We are caring for a child, day in and day out. We are walking alongside a child who is most likely walking through the darkest days of their lives. We are meeting their needs, sometimes this is the first time their needs are being met. We are kissing their boo boos. We are reading them bed time stories and tucking them into bed. We are spending quality time with them, doing our best to show them how amazing life can be. We are praying for them and loving them without hesitation. We are sharing our home, our family, our lives with them. YES, WE GET ATTACHED! Does it hurt when they leave? YES, LIKE HELL. No matter how long or short they are with you, you don’t ever forget them. I still pray daily for children who were only in my home for 24 hours. With all of that being said, we have absolutely NO say as to what happens to these children. We are at the mercy of Social workers, attorneys and judges. Attorneys and judges who have most likely never met us, or the children in our care. This is stressful. This adds a whole other level of stressors to a family, to a marriage. Jeremy has always approached court days very differently than I do. I will stress and worry for days leading up to court. I have trouble sleeping, bite my nails and run through every possible outcome that may come with upcoming court dates. Not only is it the fear of what is going to happen to the child that we have been caring for and loving, its also the apprehension of sitting in a court room with birth parents who in most cases love their children very much but just aren’t capable of keeping them safe or raising them. We are firm believers in co-parenting with birth families whenever possible and in most of our cases, we have had positive relationships with birth families, but it doesn’t change the tension that comes from sitting in the same court room with them as they are fighting for their child. Who is also very much your child, in every aspect except legally. Jeremy has always stayed calm around court dates. He can never understand why I get so worked up. He tells me over and over again, “it’s out of our hands, don’t worry until we have something to worry about.” He is the calm to my storm. This is just one of the additional stressors that comes with foster care.
The loss that comes with foster care and adoption is also an added stress on families and marriages. When a child leaves, its hard on everyone. Its a loss that everyone has to cope with. Not only is it the loss that we experience when children leave, we also tend to carry a lot of the loss our children have experienced. Not to mention the empathy we carry for their birth families. With any loss, everyone copes differently. I tend to keep things bottled up, where my husband likes to talk through things. When he’s hurting and upset he wants to hash it all out. Not me, I want to sit alone in the quiet.
The raw emotions and struggles that have come with foster care and adoption have helped me to see my husband in a different light. I have watched my husband become a father to many that he never had to say “yes” to. I have watched my husband be there for children when their biological parents failed them. I have watched my husband literally hold my hand through some of the darkest and scariest days of my life. He has proven over and over again that he is the man I married. He is the pillar of strength I have always thought of him as.
If you are in the trenches of foster care right now or if you are about to embark on this amazing journey, please remember to take care of yourself and if you are married, take care of your marriage.
- Don’t forget the small things. A simple hand written note, an unexpected “I love you text” can mean so much. Let your partner know that you are thinking about them.
- Don’t stop dating each other. Find someone you can trust to watch the kiddos and get out of the house. Go to dinner, a movie, a concert. Anything. Just remember why you fell in love with each other in the first place. Enjoy your time together without the stress of every day life.
- Find a community of people who understand foster care and adoption. It is crucial you find other people who can relate to the things you are going through.
- Give each other breaks. Parenting is hard. Allow your husband or your wife time alone without a guilt trip. The well-being and strength of a marriage is dependent on the health of each individual person.
- Lighten their load. Dishes, laundry, walking the dog, mowing the yard. Surprise your spouse by completing a task they are typically responsible for. It’s just another way to say, I see how hard you work and I appreciate you.
Being a team is vital. Taking care of children in need is incredibly rewarding and an absolute blessing, but it is not easy. Take care of yourself and take care of each other. It is easy to get lost in the every day craziness of family life and foster care. Sometimes you question, “Are we good? Are we connected? Are we on the same page?” Take time to answer those questions. If you are not fostering, perhaps you could provide a date night for a foster family. Maybe you could babysit their children. Don’t live close or don’t have the time? Maybe you could send them a gift card to their favorite restaurant to alleviate some of the cost associated with date nights. If you are fostering, just remember in order for you to take care of the children in your home, you have to take care of yourself and your marriage. You can’t give, if you have nothing left.
