No need to be embarrassed.

This was not what we had scheduled to post tonight but sometimes we need to keep it raw and real. Our family attended an open house a few nights ago for an amazing company that has literally changed the trajectory of our lives. We consider them more family than friends at this point and we were thrilled to be able to share in their growth and success. 

Shortly after arriving, some of our children quickly became very dis-regulated. Some of them began head-banging. I got bit twice. They were yelling, arguing, interrupting adult conversations incessantly and stimming. Sneaking sweets and flat out disobeying things we had talked about and prepared for prior to attending this little celebration. I was honestly feeling defeated and mortified. It has been a long time since so many of them were dis-regulated all at the same time. I was embarrassed. Besides the few people who truly know my kids and I, and besides the trauma informed counselors and mental health specialist that were there, I just kept thinking to myself, “these people must think my kids are out of control and I am a terrible parent” I was sad. I was frustrated. I was angry. I wanted to be present and celebrate with our friends and learn more about different treatment options, but here I was just clawing to keep us from falling off the cliff of sensory meltdowns. 

I was in the midst of talking to a provider and all of my kids walked away one at a time. I assumed they went to go get another snack or to talk to one of the employees but I turned around and they were all huddled in a quiet, calming office. Nobody else was in there but them. They had all been feeling overwhelmed and all decided to remove themselves from the situation quietly. None of them had to utter a word to each other, they all just knew. 

I don’t think most of our children fully understood why they had retreated into this calm office but nonetheless they had done what was needed to bring themselves back to calm. That is progress. That is success. In the moment I couldn’t understand what was happening. This was a familiar place that we frequently visit. Many of the people were familiar, trusted adults. After I sat with them in that quiet space for a few moments it dawned on me. One, we are out of routine. Two, it was loud. Three, there were lots of strangers. Four, it was dinner time and they were hungry. Five, they had loaded up on sweets. This was a lot of triggers for a lot of kiddos. Their nervous systems were on overdrive. There used to be a time I would have never even attempted to take them to a gathering like that by myself. It’s easy to forget how far we have come. It may not have been easy but we are getting there, and so will you.

If you are a foster or adoptive parent and often find yourself struggling to hold your head high when your children are melting down. Know that it is ok. Know that there is no need to be embarrassed. You are doing an amazing job. You are helping your children process the chaotic world surrounding them and it’s ok for them to do it on their time, in their way. Once I had time to decompress myself, I quickly went from being overwhelmed, disappointed, defeated and embarrassed to proud. My children were doing their best in that moment and that’s all I can ask for. They are making progress each and every day even on the hard days. Continue putting the work in, continue modeling the coping skills. The repetition is key.