Guarded Hearts

Very shortly after our first placement arrived, we were head over heels. We picked up these two beautiful, blonde headed, blue eyed little girls. We were in charge of their well being. We fed them, clothed them, tucked them in at night. We had decided prior to accepting any placements that we would introduce ourselves as Alyse and Jeremy. So needless to say, we were shocked that immediately we were “mommy and daddy.” I had dreamt of being a mom since I was a little girl. In our hearts, they were ours. It was easy to forget the truth. Legally, they were not ours. They were in foster care. They had a birth mother and a birth father that loved them. They had a social worker and a guardian ad litem. They had three sets of previous foster parents in total. They had scheduled visits, court dates and agency review meetings. All the things “foster kids” typically have. Those first few days, even weeks, they were just ours. About a month after our daughters arrived, my husband attended a case review meeting, and that is when reality hit home. These precious girls who we had given our hearts to were very much in foster care. If the case review wasn’t enough of a reality check their court date that followed shortly after sure was. At this court date, we came face to face with a biological father who was eager to get to work on a case plan and have his home studied in order to bring his daughter home. There had been no court mandated visits with dad prior to this day but sure enough visits were started immediately. We also found out there were paternal grandparents who wanted placement of the girls. Our hearts were shattered after that first court date. “Our” babies who didn’t ask for any of this, were about to continue on a very long journey. I vividly recall standing in our kitchen and saying to Jeremy “I feel like we need to guard our hearts” his response, one that we have lived by every day since…He simply looked at me and said “we can’t guard our hearts because they can’t guard theirs.” From that moment on we were all in, no matter what the outcome was going to be. We had been told numerous times “foster care is temporary, most of these children go home, don’t plan on adopting” We had heard all of these things in our training, but it was very hard to remember those first few weeks. We were smitten with these two girls and the thought of them leaving literally ripped our hearts out but this is what we had signed up for. We knew it was our job to support reunification. It was our job to love these babies like our own, show them stability and risk our own happiness to ensure that no matter how long or short they were with us that they felt safe and loved. Unconditionally loved. Since the moment we shared our plans to become foster parents with our family and friends until this day, one of the most frequent responses we hear is “I could never do that, I would get to attached.” So hears a news flash for anyone who feels that way…. YOU would be a wonderful foster parent. You see, attachment is so important. It’s what children thrive on. These babies need to attach, they need you to attach. When you become a parent of any kind, it is no longer about you. I encourage and urge you, if you are one who would love to foster but worry about getting too attached, take the leap of faith. You WILL make a difference. Become a parent, put their needs before your own. There are so many children who need an adult to step up for them. To say “I love you” and mean it.  Some of these children have never heard those words before. The fear of a child not having a safe, loving place to turn to should be scarier to you than the alternative… you opening your heart and home.